Angelina Jolie Shocker!

In yet another unique move, Angelina Jolie has decided to completely alter her life. She has left Brad Pitt and her children behind to pursue her new dream. Ms. Jolie is going to become a man.

"After much soul searching and reflection, Ms. Jolie has realized that her deepest desire is to become the man she always wanted to steal." Read the statement from Ms. Jolie's publicist.

The more jaundiced members of DM's staff think that she has set her sights on a gay man. But, when asked if this was the case, Ms. (soon to be Mr.) Jolie's publicist replied, "No, she isn't interested in a man. The new object of her affections has the initials: J.A."


-A. F.

Persian Rug Boycotts White House

The White House housekeeping staff has been dragged unknowingly into the US-Iran conflict. After having several antique rugs cleaned, the staff was laying the rugs when the trouble began.

One new rug would not unroll. Several housekeeping staff members attempted to assist in the unrolling of the rug, but it could not be unrolled. The staff members enlisted the help of some rather large Secret Service Agents, but alas, the rug would not budge.

A frustrated staffer, upon a more close inspection, discovered that the rug was of Iranian origin.

New Daily Merde Feature: Polls!

Welcome to the first Daily Merde poll!

DM is interested in what our readers think, or at least we want you to think that we care... so ... please click the link below to begin this week's poll:

If Dick Cheney were Replaced by a Robot, Would Anyone Notice?
(survey will open in a new window).

New Lawsuit for Lohan

Litigation loving, Lindsay Lohan, can add another lawsuit to her current list. But Ms. Lohan isn't the plaintiff in this suit; she is the defendant.

In the newly filed papers, the suit claims that Ms. Lohan has defamed the character and ruined the once good name of her former constant companion, Alcohol.

"Ms. Lohan has drug my client's good name through the mud," said Alfred Booze', the attorney representing Alcohol. "It has gotten to the point where my client can't go out into public and has to stay hidden in seedy bars or cloistered in private homes."

Ms. Lohan's representative declined comment.

New Hawaii 5-0 TV Show

Proving, yet again, that the television industry is one of the greenest industries around, another old television show is about to be recycled. The latest show to be revived is the much loved Hawaii 5-0.

When asked, the producers of the latest 5-0 incarnation said, "We have made some big changes to the old show to help modernize it."

When pressed to reveal what modernizations they had in mind the producers let slip, "It's going to be set in New Jersey."

Audiophile Tries to Get New Toy

Always on the lookout to find the latest and greatest new audio equipment, Nicole A., was excited when a friend was talking about very high tech and high priced piece of equipment. Nicole asked her friend where she could get this new 'ultra' device; her friend wasn't sure where the item could be purchased but she did know that it was made by GE.

Nicole's excitement only grew when she heard that celebrity Tom Cruise had one. She did some digging and eventually found a distributor.

She didn't quite understand the salesman's hesitancy to sell her the high priced piece of equipment until he spelled it out for her, "It's not a stereo component! It's an ultrasound machine! It's for viewing inside the human body! What a f!%#ing idiot!" and hung up.

eHarmony Hopeful Gets A Shock

Marc D., a 45 year old research analyst from El Sobrante, CA, decided he needed more out of life. His quest started with looking for that special someone.

After several false starts with cheap sluts he picked up at bars (luckily that is all he picked up, mused his mother), Marc decided he needed a different approach to find the right woman with which to share his life. Marc had heard good things about eHarmony, granted he heard the good things through their television commercials, and he decided to give it a try.

After taking 6 months to answer questions like 'are you a happy person' -- via multiple choice and waiting another 3 months to be notified that a suitable match had been found, the fateful day finally arrived. He received the email saying that there had been a match.

The girl's name sounded familar, which Marc took as a good sign. After several cheery and interesting emails, the newly matched pair decided to meet.

The hopeful pair were to meet at local coffee shop. Marc got there first and was enjoying his latte when his 'match' walked through the door. It was his first cousin Sophie. The pair had a good laugh about their situation and continued to chat.

Their wedding is in June.

Iran's Ahmadinejad: The Earth is Flat

TEHRAN, Iran – Iran's hard-line and hard-up President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Saturday called the almost universal belief that the Earth is round a "big lie" used by the infidels of the west to hold the rest of the world hostage to their science.

Ahmadinejad's comments, made during an address to Anti-Intelligence Ministry staff, are adding fuel to a smoldering fire between Tehran and the West. This tension is due to cooties. Ahmadinejad says the West has them and the West denies it.

"For centuries, the western world believed that the Earth was flat, then suddenly, when it benefited their twisted agenda, they changed their minds and said that is round." Ahmadinejad said. "How many innocents have been eaten by the sea monsters that roam the edge waters? How many have fallen off the edge of the earth? We may never know; their propaganda machine hides the truth from us all."

Medvedev Not Happy With Olympic Outcome

After boasting that they would achieve an unheard of 40 medals and walking away with a paltry 15, the Russians are getting a bit testy.

GETTING GRUMPY
After skater Evgeni Plushenko came in second to American Evan Lysacek, Plushenko's people promptly posted on his website that he had won the "Platinum" in Vancouver.

Russian President Dmitry Medvedev was so upset at his country's poor showing in Vancouver that he "asked" for resignations:

"Those who bear the responsibility for Olympic preparations should carry that responsibility. It's totally clear," he said. "I think that the individuals responsible, or several of them, who answer for these preparations, should take the courageous decision to hand in their notice. If we don't see such decisiveness, we will help them."

Russia is due to host the games at Sochi in 2014 and Medvedev wants people to tow the line:

"Without messing around, we need to start preparations for Sochi. But taking into account what happened in Vancouver, we need to completely change how we prepare our athletes," Medvedev said.

But Medvedev's threats aren't just for the Russian Olympic trainers; they are for all Olympic competing countries:

"But don't think that we haven't noticed what the other (competing) countries have done," he said. "How dare they find better talent than we, how dare they display this talent to our detriment. Let it be known that if this type of behavior continues during the Sochi games that we, the Russian people, will be left no alternative but to take our proverbial ball and go home."

Exclusive for Facebook Fans!

Here is a blast from the past -- one of the things the Daily Merde folks did in a past life... ENJOY!

Empire of One (2002)

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Cheney Gets Heart Transplant

After former Vice President Dick Cheney's latest cardiac event, doctors decided to replace his defective organ with something more suited to the task.

"This is a rather unique situation," the head of the transplant team began, "in that we are not replacing Mr. Cheney's heart with a human heart. After much research and study, we believe we have come up with the perfect item to replace Mr. Cheney's defective heart… a bilge pump."

New Lawsuits for Twitter and Facebook

The uber-popular social networking sites, Twitter and Facebook have something new to post about. They are being sued.

The plaintiff of these lawsuits is, none other than the perennial favorite of teenage girls, The Diary. The lawsuit cites willful disregard for tradition, contributing to exhibitionism/voyeurism and alienation of affections as the principal causes for The Diary's decline in popularity in recent years. The Diary is suing for an undisclosed amount.

When asked for comment, spokespersons for Facebook and Twitter said 'officially', "We do not comment on pending litigation".  But they were overheard saying, "The Diary can suck it… print is dead."

American Political Offices no Longer Filled by Elections

In a bold move, the American people have decided to do away with elections and all of their associated corruptions in favor of a new and more equitable way to distribute power: a lottery.

"We, Americans, are tired of the stalemate / status quo crap of our political system. If politicians are too busy constantly worrying about their re-elections to actually get any work done for their bosses, the American people, then we need to relieve the politicians of this undo burden. You are all fired."

"All previously elected positions will be filled via a lottery. All American citizens of legal voting (or age 35 and native born for Presidential elections) shall from henceforth be a part of a lottery pool to fill these governmental positions. And as each term ends, another lottery will take place to fill the position for the next term."

When asked if this was a recipe for disaster (considering any idiot could win the lottery for a position), the response was, "Isn't that the way it is already? Anything is an improvement."

Slow Food to be Renamed

Foodies beware!  That delicious boeuf bourguignon and all of the other lovingly prepared foods are no longer to be referred to as 'slow' food.  In an act of  political correctness, the Slow Food Movement's name is being changed to "Developmentally Delayed" Food Movement.

When asked why they were changing the name, the organization said, "We just don't want Sarah Palin coming after us next."

When asked to comment, Rahm Emanuel  said, "That's just retarded."

Telescope Manufacturers and NASA Being Sued Over Privacy Concerns

Multiple lawsuits have been filed against telescope manufacturers and NASA. These suits were not brought due to safety concerns or injuries, but invasion of privacy. The lawsuits are being filed on the behalf of a single plaintiff and not as a class action. The plaintiff in the cases is The Man in the Moon.

Mr. Moon, as he likes to be referred, had tolerated centuries of incessant privacy invasions by human kind via telescopes but Mr. Moon's breaking point was reached with the launching of the Hubble telescope.

The Hubble telescope was launched in 1990. When asked why it took nearly 20 years to file the suit, Mr. Moon replied, "Money, pure and simple. It took a long time to gather the funds to assemble a legal team."

"I had to wait for eBay to be invented so I could sell my rocks. Getting my rocks off and to their new owners was another headache."

NASA and the telescope manufacturers declined to comment on the pending litigation.

Tiger Woods' Golf Clubs Issue an Apology

In another PR stunner, Tiger Woods' Golf Clubs today divulged a secret about their past.

"We would like to apologize to Tiger and his family. We weren't truthful about our past lives", the 9 iron began, "We were not made from recycled NASCAR wheels as we led everyone to believe. We were made from discarded Ginsu knives."

Visibly embarrassed, the 9 iron quickly left the microphone and disappeared into a leather golf bag.

Mother has a Cure for Coach Potato-ism

Shirley O., a mother from Greenfield, WI, has devised a plan to prevent her teenagers and their friends from lingering too long on the family couch. She has installed parking meters adjacent to the couch.

"I got tired of fluffing the couch cushions all the time to get rid of their butt-dents. They needed to get out and do something… not just watch their lives away."

"I issue tickets when they don't pay the meter, basically I deduct the 'fine' from my children's allowance. Their friend's have learned to come over with a roll of quarters."

When asked how much the meters take in during an average week, Mrs. O. replied, "Between fines and meter charges, we pretty much have their college covered."

Ex-eBay CEO Quitting CA Governor's Race

In a shocking turn of events, Meg Whitman, ex-eBay CEO, announced today that she is quitting the race to be the next CA governor.

A Whitman campaign insider divulged that Ms. Whitman believes the governorship to be small potatoes and, that with her substantial financial resources, she should go for the top post immediately.

The campaign insider inferred that we could expect to see Whitman 2012 posters any day now. When asked who Ms. Whitman was considering for her running mate, the insider looked puzzled and replied, "No running mate will be necessary for the post Whitman desires, as there are already the Holy Ghost and Jesus."

Southwest Airlines to Be Renamed

In a move to prevent further 'misunderstandings' with customers of size the management of Southwest Airlines has decided to change the company's name.

"After much deliberation and contemplation, we have decided to rename Southwest Airlines." the statement from the former Southwest Airlines began. "We understand that there have been many incidents where our policies have been misconstrued as size-ist, so to head off any future antagonistic feelings or statements we are renaming Southwest Airlines to Anorexic Airlines. If you are not malnourished, please do not fly with us."

Bank Offers New Type of Mortgage

In a new merger with Lucifer, Inc. (the parent company of Hell, Ltd.), Temple Money Changers Bank has announced a new type of mortgage. This ground breaking mortgage will have a much longer repayment term than the typical home mortgage's 30 years, this term can literally continue for an eternity.

The new mortgage will be on the borrower's soul. Not to be confused with 'mortgaging one's future', which is dominated by credit cards and student loans, the mortgaging of one's soul will not end with the borrower's death and cannot be passed on to the borrower's heirs. Payment will continue long into the afterlife.

When asked which market would be interested in such a mortgage, TMCB spokesperson replied, "We have received many inquiries from Congress, many legislators from around the world and investment bankers from other institutions."

Hooded Sweatshirts Tired of Stigma

No Sweat, a fraternal organization for sweatshirts, held a press conference today discuss one of the top issues faced by hooded sweatshirts in the modern age.

Noir 'Hoody' Sweatshirt, the president and CFO of No Sweat, began the press conference with the usual pleasantries before stating his true purpose: "Ladies and Gentlemen of the press", Mr. Sweatshirt began, "I am here today to discuss an issue that has been a sore spot for the hooded sweatshirt community. We are tired of being used by common hoodlums as a means of disguise. The taint of these ruffians' actions has damaged our community for far too long."

"Look at what has happened to Ski Masks. They can no longer show their faces in polite society. We, members of the hooded sweatshirt community, can no longer sit idly by while our good names are being dragged though the mud. We will no longer be complicit in these illicit acts."

When asked asked how sweatshirts were going to follow through with this agenda, Mr. Sweatshirt said the details were yet to be stitched together.

DM Exclusive: Valentine's Day Dangerous for Cupid

In a Daily Merde exclusive, Cupid Love, his full name, gives the inside poop on what Valentine's Day means to him.

DM: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk with us today.

CL: Not a problem, it's my pleasure. I have a few things I'd like to get off my chest.

DM: Like what?

CL: Well, I have some serious allergies.

DM: You?!! But you're a demi-god.

CL: I guess it's the demi that did it to me. But seriously, I do have several allergies that make my 'big day' a real pain in the ass. First off, I am allergic to roses.

DM: But... But..

CL: I know, I know... let me tell you the Fates have a real twisted
f%@#ing sense of humor. But it gets worse... I also have a nut allergy AND a chocolate allergy.

DM: How do you function on Valentines Day?

CL: (leaning in close and almost whispering) I use a look-alike.

DM: Cupid uses a proxy?

CL: I am no fool. My look-alike is imbued with all the love and passion that is Cupid but he is just someone without all of my handicaps, as it were. We even have a blue-tooth communication system so that I can guide him if the situation becomes a little tricky. I learned to do this the hard way.

DM: The hard way?

CL: One word: Oedipus.

Cupid was then called away to handle an emergency. We overheard something about Angelina Jolie and Rush Limbaugh.

Top Exec Has Plan to Save Company Money

Richard A. Head, VP of Financial Misinterpretations for Omninational Integrated Network Knowledge, has devised a plan that he believes will save his company, and possibly countless others, on it's bottom line.

We obtained a snipit of Mr. Head's new strategy:

1. Outsource company restrooms to an overseas company specializing in rooms of rest.
2. Phase out staff who aren't high paid executives. The benefits of this will be two-fold:
   
   1. There will no longer be the financial drain of workers who actually produce
   2. With productive staff eliminated, there will be more money for executive bonuses
3. Have the remaining employees wear 'Swiffer' shoes; layoff cleaning crews.

Although it could not be confirmed by post time, there is word of a possible fourth bullet point: Outsource all brain functions.

Foreign Worker Confuses H1B With H1N1 Vaccine

Today in tech news: a foreign worker turned in their paper work for a job. Unfortunately, the worker confused the H1N1 vaccination with the H-1B visa.

The worker is now in the process of being deported.

Anne Coulter is Olive Oyl's Bastard. Popeye and Bluto Deny Responsibility.

Today during a tearful admission, Olive Oyl confessed that pundit and republican schill, Anne Coulter is her illegitimate daughter.

When asked to comment on Ms. Oyl's statement, both Popeye and Bluto denied responsibility.  Wimpy declined comment until Tuesday.

Sunday Driver Admits to Driving Like That Everyday.

Admitting to what most of have suspected all along, a habitual Sunday driver confessed that he does indeed drive like that all the time.

When asked to comment, his wife said, "Well DUH!"

Star Shocker: Uranus and Neptune Admit Pluto Their Love Child.

In an admission that rocked the solar system today, Uranus and Neptune jointly admitted that Pluto is their love child.  Due to this fact, they have submitted their appeal to have Pluto reinstated as a planet since genetically Pluto is a planet on both sides.

Fashion News: Overweight Woman's High Heels Go on Stike

Tired of the strain on their soles, a pair of an overweight woman's high heels has gone on strike.  "HELL NO WE WON'T GO!" they shouted as their corpulent owner attempted to put them on.

The woman, late to work, had to change her outfit to go with a pair of loafers.

Biz News: Tech VP Learns How to Copy and Paste. PowerPoint Now a Breeze

Silicon Valley, CA:  A senior VP, of a cutting edge tech company, has discovered a process that can save significant time and money:  copying and pasting.

The exuberant VP could be heard shouting with glee from his desk, "POWERPOINTS ARE SO MUCH EASIER NOW!"

Medical First: Child Makes Face and It Stays that Way

A young boy from Waterford, WI, ignored repeated warnings from his grandmother to stop making faces when tragedy struck... his face stayed in a contorted state.

Area doctors are puzzled and have asked for help from the local clown college's campus physician.

Super Bowl Hype: Saints to Ride Colts

Trash talk abounds with less than 48 hours to go until the big game.  A member of the Saints camp was over heard saying, "We are gonna ride the Saints hard and put them away wet!"  Not the type of language you'd expect from a Saint.

California Drought Update: Rain May Not Be Wet Enough

Percy Ogilvy, head of the California Water Moisture Commission, released a statement today warning Californians that the drought may not be over.  "Rain from the recent storm fronts may not contain enough moisture to truly be wet. Conservation is still the watchword for California."

Book Club Shocker: Oprah Winfrey Admits to Being Illiterate. Depends Heavily on Books on Tape.

In a suprising admission today, Middle-America's much loved, Oprah Winfrey has come out of the literacy closet.  Ms. Winfrey cannot read.

When asked how she 'read' the books featured in her book club, the big O responded, books on tape.

Millions of housewives are now trying to figure out how to forget how to read so they can be more like Oprah.

Toyota to Change Focus: Now Converting to Bumper Car Production.

Amidst the most massive recall ever, Toyota has been dealt yet another blow, this time problems with the company's prize hybrid, the Prius.

Toyota insiders have informed us that the company is going quit building autos and has decided to go into bumper car production.  Apparently only second to Japan's love of seafood is their love of bumper cars.

Toyota employees and their unions have yet to be notified of corporate's decision.

Taylor Swift's PR Nightmare: She isn't fast and she can't sew.

Taylor Swift's camp was sent scrambing today when a journalist from a high school newspaper asked the singer about her name.

"So," chuckled the pubescent journalist, "are you fast?  And can you sew?"

Swift's face just went blank and she looked toward her handlers who quickly ended the interview and whisked their client away.

There has been no word from Swift's representatives as of press time.

International News: China Threatens to Foreclose on US. Not Sure what to do about Rednecks.

The US/China conflict continues with China upping the ante by threatening to foreclose.  A Chinese official, wishing to remain anonymous, said that one of the main concerns with foreclosure is what to do with "all those damn rednecks".

The 'Glee' Effect: Chorale Members are the New Jocks

Thanks, much in part, to the popularity of the show 'Glee', members of school sanctioned chorale groups are no longer social outcasts. On the contrary, they are becoming the new 'Jocks'.

Rufus G., a member of a chorale group, expounds glee-fully upon his new social status, "I am no longer gettin' wedgies!"

But some worry that the pendulum has indeed swung too far in the opposite direction; there is now a new breed of chorus bullies. Maribelle C. confides, "I once knocked over the board of some chess geeks." It was witnessed during this interview, a wandering 'horde' of chorus members setting upon an unsuspecting group of math club members and erasing their equations.

Dan R., a quarterback on his high school's football team has his own take on the situation, "Before that damn show, being the quarterback was like the best. I never thought that I'd have to sing like a girl to get a girl, it really makes a guy think."

Tony A., a center on his high school's basketball team, had this to say, "This is f!@#ing nuts! What's next? A show called the "A/V" Avengers! This crap has gotta stop. These networks have to think about how these shows hurt people."

And, finally, we heard from Bernard O., a member of both the math and chess clubs, "Getting the proverbial crap kicked out of us by jocks was one thing, but having these wussies get the better of us is really upsetting."

New Study Sights Mondays as the Leading Cause of Depression in the Employed

A recent study, performed by the We Never Wanted to Get Real Jobs Institute, has found that Mondays are the leading cause of depression among the employed. This depression is also closely related to the 'Sunday Blues' of which the employed seem to be the chief sufferers.

The institute has also found the second leading cause of employed individuals depression is their paychecks.

Latest Apple News: Steve Jobs Brands Self

Apple CEO and visionary, Steve Jobs, has decided to brand HIMSELF.  The iDea came to him while reviewing Apple's iLife line.  Mr. Jobs will now be known as iPutz.

Latest Biz News: Top Business Minds to Hold a Series of Meetings to Discuss the Time Wasted by Holding Meetings.

A group of senior VPs from assorted Fortune 500 Companies, have decided to begin a panel to discuss the time that is wasted organizing and participating in meetings.  They expect this meeting to continue weekly for at least a year.