Ask Sasquatch via Brian Wilson

Brian Wilson of the SF Giants brought Sasquatch as his companion to the Espy awards last night. He requested that fans ask Sasquatch questions via Twitter (@BrianWilson38) by using the #asksasquatch tag. 

Of course we could not pass up this opportunity!

Here are DailyMerde's questions:

• Has Sasquatch ever had a wardrobe malfunction? 
• What does Sasquatch do when not feeling 'fresh' 
• When break dancing, how does Sasquatch prevent hair from matting?
• Do Sasquatch and Lou the Seal get along? Or do they fight over fish?
• What is Sasquatch's take on the economic issues facing Greece and the rest of the EU?
• What is Sasquatch's stance on medicinal marijuana?
• Does Sasquatch use a cream rinse or an all-in-one shampoo?
• Sasquatch do you use a dryer or line dry?
• Sasquatch, what happened to Brian's Espy outfit from last year?
• Sasquatch, are you really going 'commando'?
• Sasquatch, what is your plan to stimulate the US's ecomonic recovery?

We will update when Sasquatch's responses come in.

Do you have any questions to ask Sasquatch?

Rep. Paul Ryan says that Justice Roberts contorted 'logic and reason' with health care ruling. Then Rep. Ryan's inverview was delayed as he started to cry because his diaper needed changing.

Mitt Romney's New Code Name

Top Democrats to Undergo Genetic Manipulation

After listening to the complaints from their constituents, the upper eschelon of the Democratic Party has decided to resort to drastic measures.

"We have decided to follow what some of our supporters have been calling for since the latest Bush Administration." Sen. Harry Reid began, "Certain core members of the Democratic party have started gene therapy to grow some much needed balls."

When asked for comment, Rep. Nancy Pelosi said, "Why would I need those, vagina's are much tougher than balls!"

Rep. Issa to Head Experimental Committee

Rep. Darrell Issa (R- CA)'s office released today that the Congressman has formed a new experimental committee.

"To help further our conservative, pro-family, anti-woman's-rights agenda, we are pleased to announce the formation of a new committee," Rep. Issa began, "The Committee to Forget Liberties and to Undermine seX or FLUX."

When asked what exactly FLUX was tasked to accomplish, a frustrated Issa snapped, "FLUX seeks the capacity to travel back to the 1950's. Phase One experiments will concentrate on the actual process of time travel. Phase Two will focus on overriding our own 'modern' age and replace it with a 1950's reality."

How silly of us, we should have guessed...

GOP Proposes New Licenses

In answer to all the current healthcare controversies, several senior members of the GOP locked themselves in a room over the weekend and contrived a new piece of legislation.

Licenses
"You have to have a license to drive, a license to practice law and a license to be an accountant. So why not require a license for sex?" an anonymous member confided to us.

"Think about it... look at all the problems that arise out of casual sex. This requirement would eliminate those issues."

When asked what the requirements for a license would be, he listed the following:

1. Be a part of a HETEROSEXUAL marriage.



2. Or, be over the age of 65 (retirees need fun too)



3. Or be a single male member of Congress.

When asked about the LGBT community, our contact replied, "Let them enter into a heterosexual marriage and they will get their licenses."

Congress Offers Birth Control Alternative

Amid the uproar over the Obama administration's audacity to require employers to offer insurance for all medical needs, including birth control, certain Republican members of Congress have put forth a new plan.

Free Vagina Spackling:
Offered as an alternative to birth control, this new plan offers any woman the opportunity to spackle their vagina shut, hence eliminating the need for birth control.

When asked about the complications that may arise from such a procedure (e.g. to where would menses flow), a male Republican member of the Committee to Undermine the Nation's Trust in Sex ( or CUNTS for short) had this to say:

We don't like to think about that nasty lady business.

When asked to comment on her Republican colleague's statement, a Democratic female member of Congress stated:

We are planning to ban Viagra and call it the Dick's for Dildo's
Program. Turn in your bottle of Viagra and get a dildo of your choice as a replacement. Makes as much sense as what my 'esteemed' Republican
colleagues have put forth...

Ah, our tax dollars at work...