In yet another unique move, Angelina Jolie has decided to completely alter her life. She has left Brad Pitt and her children behind to pursue her new dream. Ms. Jolie is going to become a man.
"After much soul searching and reflection, Ms. Jolie has realized that her deepest desire is to become the man she always wanted to steal." Read the statement from Ms. Jolie's publicist.
The more jaundiced members of DM's staff think that she has set her sights on a gay man. But, when asked if this was the case, Ms. (soon to be Mr.) Jolie's publicist replied, "No, she isn't interested in a man. The new object of her affections has the initials: J.A."
-A. F.
Showing posts with label angelina jolie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label angelina jolie. Show all posts
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
DM Exclusive: Valentine's Day Dangerous for Cupid
In a Daily Merde exclusive, Cupid Love, his full name, gives the inside poop on what Valentine's Day means to him.
DM: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk with us today.
CL: Not a problem, it's my pleasure. I have a few things I'd like to get off my chest.
DM: Like what?
CL: Well, I have some serious allergies.
DM: You?!! But you're a demi-god.
CL: I guess it's the demi that did it to me. But seriously, I do have several allergies that make my 'big day' a real pain in the ass. First off, I am allergic to roses.
DM: But... But..
CL: I know, I know... let me tell you the Fates have a real twisted
f%@#ing sense of humor. But it gets worse... I also have a nut allergy AND a chocolate allergy.
DM: How do you function on Valentines Day?
CL: (leaning in close and almost whispering) I use a look-alike.
DM: Cupid uses a proxy?
CL: I am no fool. My look-alike is imbued with all the love and passion that is Cupid but he is just someone without all of my handicaps, as it were. We even have a blue-tooth communication system so that I can guide him if the situation becomes a little tricky. I learned to do this the hard way.
DM: The hard way?
CL: One word: Oedipus.
Cupid was then called away to handle an emergency. We overheard something about Angelina Jolie and Rush Limbaugh.
DM: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk with us today.
CL: Not a problem, it's my pleasure. I have a few things I'd like to get off my chest.
DM: Like what?
CL: Well, I have some serious allergies.
DM: You?!! But you're a demi-god.
CL: I guess it's the demi that did it to me. But seriously, I do have several allergies that make my 'big day' a real pain in the ass. First off, I am allergic to roses.
DM: But... But..
CL: I know, I know... let me tell you the Fates have a real twisted
f%@#ing sense of humor. But it gets worse... I also have a nut allergy AND a chocolate allergy.
DM: How do you function on Valentines Day?
CL: (leaning in close and almost whispering) I use a look-alike.
DM: Cupid uses a proxy?
CL: I am no fool. My look-alike is imbued with all the love and passion that is Cupid but he is just someone without all of my handicaps, as it were. We even have a blue-tooth communication system so that I can guide him if the situation becomes a little tricky. I learned to do this the hard way.
DM: The hard way?
CL: One word: Oedipus.
Cupid was then called away to handle an emergency. We overheard something about Angelina Jolie and Rush Limbaugh.
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