Here is a blast from the past -- one of the things the Daily Merde folks did in a past life... ENJOY!
Empire of One (2002)
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Cheney Gets Heart Transplant
After former Vice President Dick Cheney's latest cardiac event, doctors decided to replace his defective organ with something more suited to the task.
"This is a rather unique situation," the head of the transplant team began, "in that we are not replacing Mr. Cheney's heart with a human heart. After much research and study, we believe we have come up with the perfect item to replace Mr. Cheney's defective heart… a bilge pump."
"This is a rather unique situation," the head of the transplant team began, "in that we are not replacing Mr. Cheney's heart with a human heart. After much research and study, we believe we have come up with the perfect item to replace Mr. Cheney's defective heart… a bilge pump."
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
New Lawsuits for Twitter and Facebook
The uber-popular social networking sites, Twitter and Facebook have something new to post about. They are being sued.
The plaintiff of these lawsuits is, none other than the perennial favorite of teenage girls, The Diary. The lawsuit cites willful disregard for tradition, contributing to exhibitionism/voyeurism and alienation of affections as the principal causes for The Diary's decline in popularity in recent years. The Diary is suing for an undisclosed amount.
When asked for comment, spokespersons for Facebook and Twitter said 'officially', "We do not comment on pending litigation". But they were overheard saying, "The Diary can suck it… print is dead."
The plaintiff of these lawsuits is, none other than the perennial favorite of teenage girls, The Diary. The lawsuit cites willful disregard for tradition, contributing to exhibitionism/voyeurism and alienation of affections as the principal causes for The Diary's decline in popularity in recent years. The Diary is suing for an undisclosed amount.
When asked for comment, spokespersons for Facebook and Twitter said 'officially', "We do not comment on pending litigation". But they were overheard saying, "The Diary can suck it… print is dead."
Monday, February 22, 2010
American Political Offices no Longer Filled by Elections
In a bold move, the American people have decided to do away with elections and all of their associated corruptions in favor of a new and more equitable way to distribute power: a lottery.
"We, Americans, are tired of the stalemate / status quo crap of our political system. If politicians are too busy constantly worrying about their re-elections to actually get any work done for their bosses, the American people, then we need to relieve the politicians of this undo burden. You are all fired."
"All previously elected positions will be filled via a lottery. All American citizens of legal voting (or age 35 and native born for Presidential elections) shall from henceforth be a part of a lottery pool to fill these governmental positions. And as each term ends, another lottery will take place to fill the position for the next term."
When asked if this was a recipe for disaster (considering any idiot could win the lottery for a position), the response was, "Isn't that the way it is already? Anything is an improvement."
"We, Americans, are tired of the stalemate / status quo crap of our political system. If politicians are too busy constantly worrying about their re-elections to actually get any work done for their bosses, the American people, then we need to relieve the politicians of this undo burden. You are all fired."
"All previously elected positions will be filled via a lottery. All American citizens of legal voting (or age 35 and native born for Presidential elections) shall from henceforth be a part of a lottery pool to fill these governmental positions. And as each term ends, another lottery will take place to fill the position for the next term."
When asked if this was a recipe for disaster (considering any idiot could win the lottery for a position), the response was, "Isn't that the way it is already? Anything is an improvement."
Slow Food to be Renamed
Foodies beware! That delicious boeuf bourguignon and all of the other lovingly prepared foods are no longer to be referred to as 'slow' food. In an act of political correctness, the Slow Food Movement's name is being changed to "Developmentally Delayed" Food Movement.
When asked why they were changing the name, the organization said, "We just don't want Sarah Palin coming after us next."
When asked to comment, Rahm Emanuel said, "That's just retarded."
When asked why they were changing the name, the organization said, "We just don't want Sarah Palin coming after us next."
When asked to comment, Rahm Emanuel said, "That's just retarded."
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Telescope Manufacturers and NASA Being Sued Over Privacy Concerns
Multiple lawsuits have been filed against telescope manufacturers and NASA. These suits were not brought due to safety concerns or injuries, but invasion of privacy. The lawsuits are being filed on the behalf of a single plaintiff and not as a class action. The plaintiff in the cases is The Man in the Moon.
Mr. Moon, as he likes to be referred, had tolerated centuries of incessant privacy invasions by human kind via telescopes but Mr. Moon's breaking point was reached with the launching of the Hubble telescope.
The Hubble telescope was launched in 1990. When asked why it took nearly 20 years to file the suit, Mr. Moon replied, "Money, pure and simple. It took a long time to gather the funds to assemble a legal team."
"I had to wait for eBay to be invented so I could sell my rocks. Getting my rocks off and to their new owners was another headache."
NASA and the telescope manufacturers declined to comment on the pending litigation.
Mr. Moon, as he likes to be referred, had tolerated centuries of incessant privacy invasions by human kind via telescopes but Mr. Moon's breaking point was reached with the launching of the Hubble telescope.
The Hubble telescope was launched in 1990. When asked why it took nearly 20 years to file the suit, Mr. Moon replied, "Money, pure and simple. It took a long time to gather the funds to assemble a legal team."
"I had to wait for eBay to be invented so I could sell my rocks. Getting my rocks off and to their new owners was another headache."
NASA and the telescope manufacturers declined to comment on the pending litigation.
Tiger Woods' Golf Clubs Issue an Apology
In another PR stunner, Tiger Woods' Golf Clubs today divulged a secret about their past.
"We would like to apologize to Tiger and his family. We weren't truthful about our past lives", the 9 iron began, "We were not made from recycled NASCAR wheels as we led everyone to believe. We were made from discarded Ginsu knives."
Visibly embarrassed, the 9 iron quickly left the microphone and disappeared into a leather golf bag.
"We would like to apologize to Tiger and his family. We weren't truthful about our past lives", the 9 iron began, "We were not made from recycled NASCAR wheels as we led everyone to believe. We were made from discarded Ginsu knives."
Visibly embarrassed, the 9 iron quickly left the microphone and disappeared into a leather golf bag.
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